My little Conman-in-training

My children are precious to me.  Really they are.  I love them to bits, even when they make me want to pull out every hair on my head.  But I have to say my younger child is going to either drive me to a stay in the local private mental hospital, or make me very rich from his potential acting career that I could manage. 

He has turned into quite the little conman-in-training.  Why, you may ask would I ever put such a moniker on my own precious child?  Because he is a charismatic, manipulative little bugger who can cry on command and stop just as quickly.  At 9.5 yrs old, he can enter a room full of strangers, and ‘work the room’ until he knows everyone and they KNOW him.  Everyone thinks he is adorable.  I know he’s a little devil 😉  I’m told he’s my “payback kid” and sadly, I have to own up to the fact, he is.  But with each generation, being stronger, smarter, faster–he is a bit more devious than I was.  Good thing I have more years on him, an he can’t get much past me.  I have his number–and he knows it.  Now I just need the number for a good agent so I can get that acting career going and harness these skills for good, rather than evil.

Hiding from Hannukah

This year Hannukah has taken an interesting spin. Everyone is torn in their usual 5million directions, but this year there is a bit of ‘the war of the roses’ going on in our family. Because of my good intentions where my Grandmother’s well being are concerned, and wanting her to be safe now that she has begun to lose her marbles, it has put some of our family members at odds. Now, the majority of us who witness the day to day behavior of my Nana, and her episodes of ‘bringing on the crazy’ as I like to refer to them, understand fully what I’m talking about. Thankfully Nana voluntarily gave up driving. I think the po-po knocking on her door to arrest her for hit and run of a car in the parking lot of the kosher grocery store was enough to scare her into handing over the keys. Seriously, her car looked like it had been driven in the demolition derby, but if you asked her if she hit anything she’d say “Noooooooo, those ‘scratches’ had been there forever.” Uhhhhhh right. I love my Nana to bits. She has always been the most spunky and stylish woman I have known and is certainly the pillar of strength. But in the last few years, she has begun to lose her mind. It was subtle at first, now it is begun to become pretty significant and not surprising considering she is 89. She’s healthy as an Ox, god bless her, much healthier than I am, but needs some assistance now and shouldn’t be living by herself anymore. She is much too stubborn to move to assisted living, but does need someone to come in and help her. When we asked for assistance in helping to convince her of this, we were not only met with resistance, but hostility–and even after everyone was finally brought up to speed on my health situation (we’d been keeping it under wraps to avoid worrying Nana), certain individuals felt compelled to try to turn ME into the bad guy. Now, this tenuous situation has made celebrating holidays and birthdays very stressful for everyone including Nana which I think is incredibly unfair for HER. She doesn’t quite have all her wits about her, already (falsely) feels like people are conspiring against her and now she feels like she can’t celebrate the holidays with her family. And it is all over LIES. LIES, LIES, LIES. And the person perpetuating these lies is doing it for their own gain. It is a very sad situation. I have spent my entire teen through adult life caring for my Nana. Going over there in the middle of the night when my Grandfather would call because she was upset, and after he was gone, doing the same for her. I’d lay down my life for her. But now I’m the bad guy and can’t even celebrate the holidays with my Nana, and my children can’t celebrate it with their Great Grandmother as they have for their entire life because of this nonsense. To add insult to incredible injury, knowing how ill I am, and how I just can’t take any addtional stress right now, there was a letter sent that was full of BOLD FACED LIES that were written for the sole purpose of destroying my relationship with my father, my sole surviving parent. And to top it off there were implicit instructions for him to make sure to show this horrific letter to both me and my sister. Now this horrible missive was written by someone who knew that not a single word was true, that I’d never confide in them, and knowing what an emotional and physical impact the stress of this would have on me. Despicable. Thankfully my Father and I have a very strong open loving relationship and he knows that those words would have never come out of my mouth, but it still hurt him to read them, and for that, it saddens me. Is it not bad enough to lose your Wife, your Mother, but then to spin a web of lies to hurt the ones left behind, that you claim to love so much?

So this year, yet another holiday has been destroyed for me. My Mom died the day after Valentines Day, My Grandfather died 2 days after My Wedding Anniversary, My Paternal Grandmother died a few days before my 21st birthday, and now thanks to someone’s selfish actions, our Hannukah has been ruined and some of my favorite family members torn apart.

We always prided ourselves on being such a strong close family, through thick and thin. Now we are a family divided. And the truth is we are divided over lies. My late Grandfather and my late Mother would be devastated over all of this. Totally destroyed, and embarrassed by the behavior being exhibited by the person who is creating the upheaval.

Without the support of my family here, My father & step-mother, my sister, my husband, my cousin & her husband, My aunt & her husband we would not be able to provide such wonderful and supportive care for my Nana. We support and love her, and we support and love each other. Without that teamwork, she wouldn’t have made it to a healthy 89yrs old. Maybe one day, the derisive party will wake up and realize we are all on the same team, and try to mend fences to work with us for the common goal of providing the best care for the matriarch of our family. But somehow I can’t see this person seeing past their selfishness anytime soon.

Happy Hannukah kiddo. Enjoy your gift now don’t eff it up!

Tonight’s the first night of hannukah. Dylan, getting to the age where he needs a computer to complete his work & his was DEAD now, was given a new computer for Hannukah. We didn’t make the decision lightly since he effed the last one up so badly by clicking links willy-nilly. So we give him this gift, and he has this enormous beaming smile on his face and we say to him “Happy Hannukah Dylan. Enjoy your new computer. Now don’t eff it up!” And proceeded to run down the rules. Talk about being Doug & Debbie Downer! Sheesh.

Now a bit of a mea-culpa. I know I ranted and raved a bit. And I have apologized not to anyone directly but to everyone in general, and I am going to leave it that way. I am sorry if anyone’s feelings are hurt, and I know I should be better about getting it out and not bottling it up until I explode. And to a certain extent I agree. But–I am not, nor will I ever be a whiner. Never have been, never will be, and I hate people who are. Sorry, it is the way it is. I do acknowledge that I can’t go on pretending that I am perfect and everything is hunky-dory when it’s not. But, what everyone needs to understand, is I do a lot of this to maintain normalcy for my kids. All they have known their entire lives is a mom who is sick. ALL THE TIME. I let them down on a regular basis. For the last two years straight, I have been too sick to get to American Education week. No matter how much I wanted to be there, I would have rather been stuck in an office with a boss forbidding me to go–because then I would have someone else to blame. They can’t have kids come here to play during flu season unless I’m damn sure there is no sickness in the family. That’s pretty embarrassing to me. When they make wishes aloud, it is for points in time before mommy hurt her back, or mommy was sick. I wanna cry & throw up & scream. That’s wrong. I’ve been sick like this for most of the last 26 yrs or so. Two decades. More than half my life. So every once in a while, my stack is gonna blow. And when it blows, it blows big. And I refuse to live my life as a sick person. I feel better in many ways forcing myself to live a normal existence. It is exhausting beyond belief, but mentally, it does wonders for me, but sometimes it backfires on me because it sets others up to have big expectations of me that I can’t meet. Then they get angry with me when I don’t meet their expectations. But bear with me, I have my moods, I have my days, that just getting dressed and putting on my makeup (which I do every single damn day) is all I can manage before I’m ready to fall over. If I want to vent, I’m gonna, but sometimes I’m just not ready to.

The last two years have been rough. I’ve had health issues upon health issues, and now some family issues that were meant with the most benevolent intentions that have been turned completely against me by those with not completely honorable intentions just to add to my stress. No good deed goes unpunished, right? The saddest part is the collateral damaged caused by this shakeup. Totally unnecessary and caused by lies. Happy Holidays!

So I AM sorry if anyone’s feelings were hurt.

Unintentionally I seemed to have dropped the b-bomb

You know, this is MY blog, and I should be free to get out my feelings and my frustrations without being judged or beaten up about it later. I thought I worded things pretty damn carefully and literally. Those who know me well, know I am a LITERAL person. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I did not direct my post at anyone in particular–it was a general frustrated post in general. I have big issues with trying to be superwoman. Those dreams came crashing down on me along with the red/white/blue bodysuit & gold belt and matching wristcuffs. I know no one is perfect, I never purported myself to be, nor did I try to be. But I strived to be everything to everyone at all times. Chronic illness has destroyed all that for me, and this year , the last dream of being superwoman has been ripped from my grasp. I still have the dreams of looking like Linda Carter in the uniform, but will never be able to fly or take down any bad guys.

In the last 2 years my body has been wracked by so much illness and damage from these illnesses that, I can no longer function to full capacity any more. THAT is a huge blow to me & my ego. Up until this time, I was, for all intents and purposes, supermama. Working full-time, holding down the fort, I had it all. Until my body became so ravaged by crohn’s and all it’s friends, I’ve shrunken to less than half my size (yes I said half), I can no longer eat normally. I barely resemble who I used to be. Now, to pass me on the street, you would say “there goes a young, healthy woman,” but it is all smoke and mirrors. I spend a tremendous amount of energy (that I seriously lack) and time with various tricks of the trade, to make myself look “normal”. I think I am single-handedly keeping the beauty market afloat. I spray-tan myself in my shower, I use the best makeups on the market & have the best stylist/therapist out there. I’m fed artificially, I’m pumped full of meds to keep me alive, and some to kill off all the bad immuno responses (some are chemo, some are disease modifiers). So while I look ‘great’ I feel like holy hell 99% of the time. I’m an amazing liar. I don’t remember what it feels like to wake up and feel good, or even OK–forget waking up and feeling wonderful. That has been decades.

But I DON”T want your PITY. This is not about a pity party. I don’t throw them for myself, and refuse to throw them for others. In some way my situation brings me many moments of humor. I choose to laugh rather than cry (like if I run out of jeans, I can just steal them out of my 12 yr old son’s closet–that’s one bonus!). When told I had a brain tumor, I replied to the Dr. “I needed that like a hole in the head!”. But sometimes, I really get sick and tired of being very sick, and very overly tired. I have terrible insomnia and only sleep 2-3 with a max of 4 hrs a day (not all in one stretch). It is hard to maintain ones sense of humor when you are really sick, pumped full of toxic meds which make you feel like hell, and you are tired. Add to it, a big birthday that falls during the holidays and the pressure of getting the holiday shopping done while feeling craptastic (and trying not to catch the plague that people feel compelled to share while shopping). And everyone asking what fabulous thing you are going to do to celebrate your 40th?? I hit a wall. Seriously, I surprised I am alive to hit 40. No joking. 2 years ago, I had serious doubts as to whether I’d still be alive to hit 40 as they made me sign my advanced directives as they wheeled me ALONE into the cardiac ICU at 37yrs old and they were following me with the crash cart. 40 seemed worlds away at that point.

A bunch of other reality checks hit me in the face recently which have hit me hard and made me feel very useless. I’m doing my best to not define myself as a sick person, but these events forced me into that role. I am taking steps to make lemonade out of those lemons (writing a book), but sometimes the rainbows stop flying out my ass & I have to be serious for a quick minute. Those minutes are few and far between. But I AM allowed to VENT. And all this is, is VENTING. Venting to the world in general, not at ANY ONE PERSON, just VENTING. If I am coming after one person specifically, you’ll know it. I’m direct like that 🙂

I love my friends and family for the love and support they show me while I go through all these emotional rollercoasters. It is not easy to be in my situation, or in yours on the outside looking in, not be able to do anything. If you are someone who wants to add to my stress, think twice, karma’s a bitch 😉 And if you’ve wronged me in the past, I’m gonna haunt your ass when I’m gone. You can count on it!

Somehow this is MY life has turned into it NOT being about it being MY life

OK, my last post offended some people who took things very personally. Namely my husband who my post was not particularily aimed at. I was griping IN GENERAL that I was feeling like Samantha from “Sixteen Candles” and no one was acknowleging the fact that she exists. A big part of this frustration lies in the fact that my Mom is gone and she took care of things like this. She was the first call on my birthday and I never had to worry about my birthday going unnoticed just because it fell during the blasted holiday season. In the last two years making it to this point has been a question mark at times so I guess it is just hitting me harder than most. And NO it isn’t a mid-life crisis. Shit I’m thankful to just be alive at this point. And I don’t want a big party or a ton of hoopla. I just want to do something special, and it seems like no one wants to even put any time or effort to even thinking about it. But this isn’t directed at you BRAD. You have too much on your plate already.