Unintentionally I seemed to have dropped the b-bomb

You know, this is MY blog, and I should be free to get out my feelings and my frustrations without being judged or beaten up about it later. I thought I worded things pretty damn carefully and literally. Those who know me well, know I am a LITERAL person. I say what I mean, and mean what I say. I did not direct my post at anyone in particular–it was a general frustrated post in general. I have big issues with trying to be superwoman. Those dreams came crashing down on me along with the red/white/blue bodysuit & gold belt and matching wristcuffs. I know no one is perfect, I never purported myself to be, nor did I try to be. But I strived to be everything to everyone at all times. Chronic illness has destroyed all that for me, and this year , the last dream of being superwoman has been ripped from my grasp. I still have the dreams of looking like Linda Carter in the uniform, but will never be able to fly or take down any bad guys.

In the last 2 years my body has been wracked by so much illness and damage from these illnesses that, I can no longer function to full capacity any more. THAT is a huge blow to me & my ego. Up until this time, I was, for all intents and purposes, supermama. Working full-time, holding down the fort, I had it all. Until my body became so ravaged by crohn’s and all it’s friends, I’ve shrunken to less than half my size (yes I said half), I can no longer eat normally. I barely resemble who I used to be. Now, to pass me on the street, you would say “there goes a young, healthy woman,” but it is all smoke and mirrors. I spend a tremendous amount of energy (that I seriously lack) and time with various tricks of the trade, to make myself look “normal”. I think I am single-handedly keeping the beauty market afloat. I spray-tan myself in my shower, I use the best makeups on the market & have the best stylist/therapist out there. I’m fed artificially, I’m pumped full of meds to keep me alive, and some to kill off all the bad immuno responses (some are chemo, some are disease modifiers). So while I look ‘great’ I feel like holy hell 99% of the time. I’m an amazing liar. I don’t remember what it feels like to wake up and feel good, or even OK–forget waking up and feeling wonderful. That has been decades.

But I DON”T want your PITY. This is not about a pity party. I don’t throw them for myself, and refuse to throw them for others. In some way my situation brings me many moments of humor. I choose to laugh rather than cry (like if I run out of jeans, I can just steal them out of my 12 yr old son’s closet–that’s one bonus!). When told I had a brain tumor, I replied to the Dr. “I needed that like a hole in the head!”. But sometimes, I really get sick and tired of being very sick, and very overly tired. I have terrible insomnia and only sleep 2-3 with a max of 4 hrs a day (not all in one stretch). It is hard to maintain ones sense of humor when you are really sick, pumped full of toxic meds which make you feel like hell, and you are tired. Add to it, a big birthday that falls during the holidays and the pressure of getting the holiday shopping done while feeling craptastic (and trying not to catch the plague that people feel compelled to share while shopping). And everyone asking what fabulous thing you are going to do to celebrate your 40th?? I hit a wall. Seriously, I surprised I am alive to hit 40. No joking. 2 years ago, I had serious doubts as to whether I’d still be alive to hit 40 as they made me sign my advanced directives as they wheeled me ALONE into the cardiac ICU at 37yrs old and they were following me with the crash cart. 40 seemed worlds away at that point.

A bunch of other reality checks hit me in the face recently which have hit me hard and made me feel very useless. I’m doing my best to not define myself as a sick person, but these events forced me into that role. I am taking steps to make lemonade out of those lemons (writing a book), but sometimes the rainbows stop flying out my ass & I have to be serious for a quick minute. Those minutes are few and far between. But I AM allowed to VENT. And all this is, is VENTING. Venting to the world in general, not at ANY ONE PERSON, just VENTING. If I am coming after one person specifically, you’ll know it. I’m direct like that πŸ™‚

I love my friends and family for the love and support they show me while I go through all these emotional rollercoasters. It is not easy to be in my situation, or in yours on the outside looking in, not be able to do anything. If you are someone who wants to add to my stress, think twice, karma’s a bitch πŸ˜‰ And if you’ve wronged me in the past, I’m gonna haunt your ass when I’m gone. You can count on it!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ilene21117
    Dec 01, 2010 @ 17:00:34

    I love you Amy!!!!!!!!! I’m here for you. If you need help with aything you let me know. I’m glad you are venting. You put on a happy face too often. Truth is no one is superwoman and even superwoman needs to take a break to cry and vent every now and then. I know about holding things in and trying to make it so that everyone thinks you are happy and ok when you really aren’t. The energy that takes everyday can take a toll on you as well.

    Reply

  2. Nancy Davis
    Dec 02, 2010 @ 09:33:42

    Feel free to vent…it’s necessary! Life happens and it’s not always pretty but unavoidable nontheless. You always know your true friends, they’re the ones who don’t care what your hair looks like (or if you have any). They’re the ones who will lend an ear, maybe some soup and a couch and forgive you for just about any verbal bomb you may chuck at them. No one can be the UberMom or Wonder Woman but, remember, those little moments are most important πŸ™‚

    Reply

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