Happy Hannukah kiddo. Enjoy your gift now don’t eff it up!

Tonight’s the first night of hannukah. Dylan, getting to the age where he needs a computer to complete his work & his was DEAD now, was given a new computer for Hannukah. We didn’t make the decision lightly since he effed the last one up so badly by clicking links willy-nilly. So we give him this gift, and he has this enormous beaming smile on his face and we say to him “Happy Hannukah Dylan. Enjoy your new computer. Now don’t eff it up!” And proceeded to run down the rules. Talk about being Doug & Debbie Downer! Sheesh.

Now a bit of a mea-culpa. I know I ranted and raved a bit. And I have apologized not to anyone directly but to everyone in general, and I am going to leave it that way. I am sorry if anyone’s feelings are hurt, and I know I should be better about getting it out and not bottling it up until I explode. And to a certain extent I agree. But–I am not, nor will I ever be a whiner. Never have been, never will be, and I hate people who are. Sorry, it is the way it is. I do acknowledge that I can’t go on pretending that I am perfect and everything is hunky-dory when it’s not. But, what everyone needs to understand, is I do a lot of this to maintain normalcy for my kids. All they have known their entire lives is a mom who is sick. ALL THE TIME. I let them down on a regular basis. For the last two years straight, I have been too sick to get to American Education week. No matter how much I wanted to be there, I would have rather been stuck in an office with a boss forbidding me to go–because then I would have someone else to blame. They can’t have kids come here to play during flu season unless I’m damn sure there is no sickness in the family. That’s pretty embarrassing to me. When they make wishes aloud, it is for points in time before mommy hurt her back, or mommy was sick. I wanna cry & throw up & scream. That’s wrong. I’ve been sick like this for most of the last 26 yrs or so. Two decades. More than half my life. So every once in a while, my stack is gonna blow. And when it blows, it blows big. And I refuse to live my life as a sick person. I feel better in many ways forcing myself to live a normal existence. It is exhausting beyond belief, but mentally, it does wonders for me, but sometimes it backfires on me because it sets others up to have big expectations of me that I can’t meet. Then they get angry with me when I don’t meet their expectations. But bear with me, I have my moods, I have my days, that just getting dressed and putting on my makeup (which I do every single damn day) is all I can manage before I’m ready to fall over. If I want to vent, I’m gonna, but sometimes I’m just not ready to.

The last two years have been rough. I’ve had health issues upon health issues, and now some family issues that were meant with the most benevolent intentions that have been turned completely against me by those with not completely honorable intentions just to add to my stress. No good deed goes unpunished, right? The saddest part is the collateral damaged caused by this shakeup. Totally unnecessary and caused by lies. Happy Holidays!

So I AM sorry if anyone’s feelings were hurt.

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