On the road to Nippleville

Well the end to this wacky mastectomy journey may just be in sight. This one-step-straight-to-implant that has resulted in 3 surgeries already and has at least 2 more to go, has been a lumpy, bumpy, road. And I don’t mean the kind in Fergie’s “My Humps” song. I will have “lovely lady lumps” once again at the end of this, but holy Hannah this has been a journey. November 7th is the date where they will take out the expander and put in the implant. Then I will be on the road to Nippleville. Nipple reconstruction. Sounds fab doesn’t it? Hahahahahaha!! I will get to pick the size, shape, diameter, color and even how far my high-beams will protrude. I know you are all jealous beyotches! Since the coloring is tattooed on, I think I’m going to go with my creative side on this one and have my friend who’s one of the top tattoo artists in the country do something subtle, yet artistic within the natural looking tattoo. I’ve been scouring the net for ideas, but not coming up with much. I tell you what, when I’m 85, and in assisted living, I’ll be one badass old beeyotch in the old folks home with my tatted up nipples 😉


Atoning for your sins 21st Century style…

Well, here it is Yom Kippur and I’m reflecting on the previous year. During the day of Atonement your are supposed to think about all that you did to others and repent for your sins and mistakes, beg for forgiveness from God, and ask to be written into the book of Life for another year. Wow, a hefty and heavy undertaking if you ask me. Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human, and let’s face it sometimes it is better to say you’re sorry and beg forgiveness then to ask permission. Oh, don’t throw stones at me…you know you ALL do it!! I know I’m a generally decent person. I do nice things for others–try to do a good turn every day for strangers. Don’t roll your eyes, I really do. I may be full of piss and vinegar but, I am a compassionate person 🙂 My friends and family are the center of my world and I put them first, always. If something is told to me in confidence, I never break that trust, and do not ever talk behind someones back–I’ll tell you right to your face what I think about you if I don’t like you!!

Now, I know I may come off sarcastic, and I may choke on my words sometimes, but I never intend to hurt anyone with what I say. My brain runs a million miles an hour and the sensor between my brain and mouth seems to be forever broken. I say what I mean and mean what I say–I am truly a literal person. If you are offended by four-letter words you may find some of my dialog a bit ‘colorful’ because I can swear more than a sailor on shore leave at times, but the way I look at it, there are times when there are no better ways to express yourself than a good expletive. I spent a lot of time in my professional life using a huge vocabulary of words that truly meant nothing to me (and face it, probably to most of my audience, boring them to tears) and walking a very conservative line. Now, I don’t have to, so I DON’T.

Ok, now here comes a bit of reflection–
I often get asked how do I stay positive and laugh thru all the constant crap I get dealt. Easy, I can sum it up pretty simply. Shit happens. People will often tell me about this amazing book:

    When Bad Things Happen To Good People

. Truth is, bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to EVERYONE!! SHIT HAPPENS people!! I never ask WHY ME. Why? you may ask. Because, Why not? Why not me, why do babies die? Why do babies develop cancer? Why did my Mother & her Brother both develop cancer and die young? Because Shit Happens. It isn’t my job or place to question these things. When I get dealt yet another diagnosis (which happens at nearly every doctor appointment) I never ask why, or shed tears, I say “what is the next step? How do we deal with this? When do we start treatment?” My next step is how to figure out how to find humor in the situation. Because there is humor in EVERYTHING. When faced with a brain tumor at the end of a year where I had been dealt a breast tumor (and had surgery), had major spinal surgery, renal artery angioplasty, and my gallbladder removed after it stopped functioning and became infected. All while my Mother was bravely dealing with Chemo and Radiation for Stage 4 Breast Cancer. I told the doctor I needed that like a hole in the head 😉 Because I found it cosmically hysterical. Really God, you are hitting me with THIS? Now? Ok, bring it on. My doctor thought I’d lost my mind, but I was quite sane. My health is a constant roller coaster of ups and downs, where I’m always being treated for one condition or another. One of my longest and dearest friends jokes she’s always afraid to call me if she hasn’t spoken to me in a few weeks because she knows it means SOMETHING major has happened to me. But I take it in stride. It is the butt of all my jokes. People always comment on how healthy I look. My face isn’t sick–it is all the thing are the inside that are!! I pray to the gods at Sephora and Bless those folks at Bare Escentuals!! Bare Minerals are a-maze-ing! My advice to you if you find yourself in a chronically ill situation: Don’t wallow in your illness. Easy for me to say? Yeah, it is as a matter of fact! I do it every freaking day. I may feel like shit on a shingle, but I get up, put on a full face and get dressed. Even if it is in a nice track suit rather than jammies, I get dressed. Making yourself not look like a sick person makes yourself feel a little less like one. Believe me, I’ve been living the life of one for over two decades, I know of what I speak!

So, If I occasionally piss you off, say something that rubs you the wrong way, know it wasn’t intentional. I really don’t try to fit my feet in my mouth–they do not taste good even though I get regular pedi’s and they are baby soft. I am a snarky bitch and I truly own that fact. Not ashamed of it either, but there is a time and place for everything. I love every last one of my friends and family especially since you all stand beside me thru all of my trials and tribulations. I know I take everyone on a wild roller coaster ride with my crazy health crises, surgeries, and myriad of injuries. If nothing else, hearing how I manage to hurt myself by doing virtually NOTHING, should amuse the living shit out of all of you. If in the last year I have hurt you in any way, I am sorry. If I have offended you, please accept my apologies. But now, build a bridge and get the fuck over it 🙂 We have a new year to start!! Love each and every one of you!