My 40th year…talk about a wild ride

My 40th birthday seemed to crawl in quietly. No hoopla, no fanfare, just a lovely, intimate dinner with family and some celebrating with some friends. No wild partying in Vegas as I’d hoped for, my deceptively healthy looking shell holds a very f-ed up interior. New years came and went, and January 1 I thought “HELLO new year, this is going to be a GREAT ONE!!” Bwahahahahahaha did I get a karmic ass kicking for what reason, I’m still trying to figure out.

Let’s establish something, if you are reading me for the first time, I do not incessantly whine. I will bitch once in a while (I promise I do have a few “chits” stored) but I am not a whiny @ss chick. Nor do I throw pity-parties for myself or others. Don’t get me wrong, I am the most empathetic and sympathetic person on the face of the earth. I literally can feel someone elses pain, their sorrow. But, I won’t allow myself or others to wallow in their own misery. Now that is my third motto, misery really does not love company. It really doesn’t.

So the year in review:
January 28th–minor little slip-a-roo on some black ice in our driveway results in me knocking my head on the asphalt. Didn’t hit the back of my head hard, or lose consciousness, the fall caused me more distress than the konk on the head. Four days later it was discovered that I had a brain bleed. Same injury as Natasha Richardson, but I had the good fortune to have had a brain tumor in 2001. So there was an egg sized hole for the blood to go to. Knock another life off this Cats lives. I’m down to about 6 now 😉 Most of February and March are a complete blank. April is spotty. I am still plagued with memory issues, and I’m known for my ridiculously good memory. I may be ridiculous, but my memory isn’t quite that good anymore.

April–I found a lump(s) in my breast, and the beginnings of Glaucoma were discovered in my Right Eye. After 14 surgeries over a 10 yr span, mammos & ultrasounds every 6 months, professional exams at my doc or the surgeon’s every 3, the doc said the ‘girls’ needed to go. No way to make sure all was clear otherwise. My heart and mind drove me to the best possible decision for me, my children and my husband: Bilateral Mastectomy.

May–May was a time of celebration and sorrow. My step-grandfather Marty who had become so dear to me in a short time was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died a few short weeks later. He reminded me so much of my Pop-pop who I treasured so much. We had an incredible relationship–he really ‘got me’. He was one of those people who to know him was to love him. Marty was so much like my grandfather and to see his light snuffed out so suddenly was jolting, and to no be able to be there for My stem-mom Debbie and her mom Nomi was so very hard. My father was torn in a bazillion directions. On 5/25/11 I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I woke up after the surgery with huge, swollen hooters! Man was I stacked! I had some severe healing issues with the nipples…they were dying. Brilliant, I have great-looking mew boobs, but my nips are literally falling off! So off I go to dive on dry land in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber twice a day, for 2 hrs each session. After 14 straight days of 4 hrs a day stuck in a tiny, clear plastic tube, there was improvement but things still didn’t heal. I waited another 3 weeks and nada. On July 12, 2011 I had both implants removed and replaced, all the dead skin and my nipples removed. I had Barbie Boobs now!! LOL No more high-beams ever!

August==Two weeks later, infection struck, and the implant was removed again along with damaged skin and in went the expander. Oh, the expander. The water balloon from hell! The expansion process was a trip and a half. The right one kept getting bigger and harder. Righty became planetary with its own gravitational pull. So strong, it broke a clasp on one of my bras during the bar mitzvah of one of my younger cousins. My girlfriends became obsessed with touching them and feeling the differences after each feel! I felt like I was pregnant again with my boobs being the public domain instead of the belly. I think it is definitely a more interesting greeting than a handshake and certainly less germy.

August is also the month my elder son became 13 and passed me in height. He became a man in my faith, and by size–this young teen wears a MEN’S SIZE 10!! Now, he is several inches taller so if he stands in front of me, it is a total eclipse of the Mom.

September–WOW, My Nana turned 90! This is a feat of nature on so many levels. She has been smoking since 17 years old and still smokes like a chimney, yet aside from a non-functioning thyroid (she’s been medicated since her 30’s), some depression, slightly elevated blood pressure (controlled by meds) and some osteoporosis this woman was still in great shape. Her only major issue was emphysema from the abuse on her lungs all those years smoking.

October–Celebrated 18yrs of marriage. It hasn’t all been days of wine and roses, but my man has been here through all the craziness and still is willing to wake up with me 🙂 My grandmother begins to decline. Her mind is slipping and her body is slowing down. It is sad to think she’s my last grandparent, and up until now, healthier than I am. Very hard to watch such a firecracker lose it’s sparkle.

November–11/7/11 Finally!! I get my boobie back!! Boy this one step surgery has taken a long time 😉 Heh. I tell you what, I’ve never been more excited to get cut open since I had Jared via scheduled c-section! Sadly, my Nana entered the hospital 2 days prior, and then 2 days later, my Dad had to have knee surgery. Boy, we were all a bunch of hot messes!! I really think I want to design a line of functional and fashionable hospital gowns. They are all ugly, horribly dysfunctional, and humiliating to wear!

November 17th I got my stitches out. Woohoo! One step closer to the end of this crazy boobtastical journey. I swear no good deed goes unpunished. November 18th, back into the hospital–bowel obstruction & ileutus. I originally thought appendicitis, so did the surgeon, but My brilliant doc said “I’m very certain this is not what it seems to be” and identified it as an obstruction with inflammation/infection at the ileum. He was right.

Thanksgiving was truly a day for me to be thankful for all the myriad of blessings bestowed upon me. I may have not been able to partake of the amazing meal, but I did relish in all of the sentiment of the holiday and being with family and friends. I may have been dealt more than my ration of crap this year, but I also was given my share of blessings.

December–Well, I can now put another birthday down on the books 41. Forty-freaking-one!! Considering a few years ago, I highly doubted I’d make it to 40. Well I’ve gotten past that one, now my goal is 60.

I haven’t quite set this year’s resolution, so stay tuned…It could get interesting

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Critters in the night…

Being an insomnia is more exciting at times than others. For instance, there is happening upon the documentary about insomniacs @ 3am. Or seeing the Shake-weight commercial for Men for the first time and being in total disbelief it is a real product until you actually see it in your local Target. Please realize I am stating all of this with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek 🙂 Part of my insomnia routine is writing…naturally, watching abysmally awful reality tv, and trolling online looking for the best coupon codes, or printables for what I need to get in the next few days. I am the absolute queen at finding a deal 😉

So, I found a great printable for a free pair of panties @ Victoria’s secret, printed wirelessly thru the network and got the error message “out of paper”. Crap, it’s 1:00am, downstairs I go. I take two steps into my dining room and there sits a chipmunk staring at me. A CHIPMUNK!! And he had this look on his smug little face like “what the f*ck are you doing here!” So I give chase. I tried to catch the little f*@ker for over 2 hrs by setting traps of tupperware & chopsticks, with peanut butter sandwiches inside, blankets on strings, regular rube goldberg machines! I’m one hell of a MacGyver I tell Ya! But catching the little chip-punk was not easy–cagey little bugger. So I went back upstairs to go to bed. The next morning, my hubby reports that when he came down to make coffee, the chip-punk greeted him eating an english muffin. Boy, he’s making himself right at home! Now, I’m pissed. So the dogs and I have a talk and I inform them they need to earn their keep and catch the bugger. Several possible day sightings, but no luck.

Day 2, 1am, I go down to see if I can spot this ninja chipmunk. Nada. A short while later, hubby said that our puggle was growling at the corner of a cabinet, but came up empty. I get in bed a short while later, and notice Ginger, our puggle is vigorously chewing on a toy. So I ask her to stop, it was annoying. She didn’t stop so I said “give” and she deposited the “toy” in my hand. Said “toy” was the nearly/mostly/or freshly dead chipmunk. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Nothing like having a slimy, wet, dead animal in your hand, in bed. So I wake up the hubby, inform him of the crime scene our bed has become, and pass him the cadaver to be disposed of. This city chick does not do dead cute animals.

Now, I am glad to not have to deal with he reign of terror of the chipmunk anymore, but my god, did it have to end with the little boogers dead body in my BED?!?!? And yes, that question is now rhetorical.

The Elections are coming! The Elections are coming!

Can I just say the next presidential election scares the ever loving shit out of me?  Of course I can, this is my blog.  That was rhetorical.  But the truth is the cast of characters is frightening.  Herman Cain is like a one man sexual harrassment machine.  I can just hear his campaign music now…James Brown’s “I feel Good!”  Rick Perry is imploding by the moment.  Newt Gingrich?  Really?! Seriously!  He’s a clusterfuck all tied up in a bow.  Now we get to Tea Party Barbie…Michelle Bachmann.  Ahhhh, my favorite idiot.  Her campaign song could be “I am an American Idiot!”  Then again, she really didn’t like the song chosen for her on Jimmy Fallon 😉  I thought it was brilliant if not a bit cruel.  But, you go on a COMEDIAN’s talk show and you don’t expect to be poked fun of?? Really woman, get a grip!  You think this is tough, wait until the real campaigning heats up and the mudslinging commercials start.  I think they could probably put one of those giant inflatables up, give it a name, and it would get a better polling number at this point.  It would be full of hot air, have strings that are able to be pulled by the right and left, and not talk back.  The perfect candidate for both parties!